Popular Sarcastic Quotes and Sayings

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” – Mark Twain

“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.” – Doug Larson

“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” – Tina Fey

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

“As the wise man once said, ‘So?’.” – Will Ferrell

“Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.” – Will Ferrell

“If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” – Oliver Hardy

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” – George Carlin

“Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them.” – Unknown

“Sometimes, I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap eight people at once.” – Unknown

“If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?” – Unknown

“If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.” – Unknown

“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.” – Naguib Mahfouz

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

“I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.” – Pablo Picasso

“Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.” – Oliver Goldsmith

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

“A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James

“Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.” – Jessica Simpson

“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” – Rita Mae Brown

“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke

“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” – Mae West

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.” – Ethel Barrymore

“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.” – Frank Zappa

“I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.” – Winston Churchill

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin

“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” – Phyllis Diller

“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” – Ogden Nash

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” – George Bernard Shaw

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” – Dorothy Parker

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“Don’t waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window. Or break down a door.” – Brooke Shields

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’” – Groucho Marx

“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.” – Charles J. Sykes

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” – Golda Meir

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White

“A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.” – George Santayana

“I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.” – Bill Watterson

“I like Kit-Kat unless I’m with four or more people.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” – Steven Wright

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” – George Carlin

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis

“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” – Rob Corddry

“Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

“Work hard, nap hard.” – Demi Lovato

“Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.” – Tina Fey

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” – W.C. Fields

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” – Henry Kissinger

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams

“If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kennedy

“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne

“Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali

“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert

“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.” – Woody Allen

“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger of music.” – Jim Carrey

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” – Joan Rivers

“Leave something for someone but don’t leave someone for something.” – Enid Blyton

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” – Charlton Heston

“If I had nine of my fingers missing, I wouldn’t type any slower.” – Mitch Hedberg

“Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.” – James Thurber

“All generalizations are false, including this one.” – Mark Twain

“Reality continues to ruin my life.” – Bill Watterson

“Puns are the highest form of literature.” Alfred Hitchcock

“Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through.” – Dave Chappelle

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron

“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” – Voltaire

“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” – Rita Mae Brown

“If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” – Solomon Schechter

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.” – Ethel Barrymore

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny, or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” – Drake

“God is at home; it’s we who have gone out for a walk.” – Meister Eckhart

“Sane is boring.” – R.A. Salvatore

“Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” – Woody Allen

“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.” – Spanish proverb

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

“Accept who you are unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” – Cynthia Heimel

“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” – R.D. Laing

“I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.” – Jack Benny

“Marriage… it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” – Woody Allen

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” – Bill Maher

“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” – Woody Allen

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“Man has his will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” – Oscar Wilde

“All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.” – Paul R. Ehrlich

“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” – Mark Twain

“Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.” – Mark Withers

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis

“Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.” – Otto von Bismarck

“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz

“People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.” – Bill Murray

“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams

“Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise.” – Stephen Colbert

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon

“It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” – Dolly Parton

“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” – Oscar Wilde

“Nothing will work unless you do.” – Maya Angelou

“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” – Mel Brooks

“How many times do I have to teach you: just because something works doesn’t mean it can’t be improved.” – Black Panther

“It’s good to be able to laugh at yourself and the problems you face in life. Sense of humor can save you.” – Margaret Cho

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.” – Agatha Christie

“If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.” – Confucius

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” – Alice Walker

“Build a man on fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” – Terry Pratchett

“Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.” – Farrah Gray

“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” – Maya Angelou

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead

“Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin

“Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.” – Charles M. Schulz

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones

“Love is being stupid together.” – Paul Valery

“Do, or do not. There is no ‘try.’” – Yoda

“Some people can’t believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first.” – Good Will Hunting

“The best revenge is massive success.” – Frank Sinatra

“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” – Walt Disney

“‎Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” – Voltaire

“My only advice is to stay aware, listen carefully, and yell for help if you need it.” – Judy Blume

“Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.” – Oscar Wilde

“If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true, and that’s unacceptable.” – Carrie Fisher

“You can’t really be strong until you see a funny side to things.” – Ken Kesey

“Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.” – William Thackeray

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas A. Edison

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” – Maya Angelou

“Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.” – Will Rogers

“Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.” – Neil Gaiman

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” – Dr. Seuss

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow! What a Ride!’” – Hunter S. Thompson

“Go through life like a duck: Majestic on top, kicking like hell underneath.” – Anonymous

“Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” – Maya Angelou

“A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves.” – J. Robson Koenig

“A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being ‘frank’.” – Robert Heinlein

“Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures.” – Sam Walton

After a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are. – Shrek

“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” – Franklin Roosevelt

“Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” – Paulo Coehlo

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” – George Bernard Shaw

“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” – W. Somerset Maugham

“It is not our abilities that show what we truly are…it is our choices.” – Dumbledore

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” – Albert Einstein

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles M. Schulz

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – The Dalai Lama

“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling

“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” – Blaise Pascal

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw

“If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.” – Marie Osmond

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” – Jim Henson

“Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” – Oprah Winfrey

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire

“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.” – Bob Dylan

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin